Lexington C.A.R.E.S.My father was a teacher and social worker whose entire 50-year career was devoted to working with, and caring about, children. Some years ago, I had a conversation with him in which I asked him how it was that child welfare professionals made decisions about what to do in situations where children were involved. He said simply, "We focus on what the best interests of the child are. That's the key factor." The best interests of the child. It is simple, and it makes sense.
What do we interpret as being in a child's best interests in this community? Surely that the child will be fed, sheltered, clothed, educated, and kept safe from harm. That the child will be able to develop self-esteem. That the child will receive fair treatment in the community. That he or she will be honored and valued for himself/herself and his/her family. Simple things? all in the best interests of the child.
But here, in Lexington this year, there is a child whom I'll call "Tommy." He lives with his father and his brother in town and attended one of our elementary schools. But some difficulties have arisen. Tommy's father, you see, is gay, and decided to be open about that fact. And while the school Tommy attends - like all Lexington schools - says that it supports diversity and affirms all kinds of families, reality has told a different story.
School conversations about all kinds of families, including those where a member is gay or lesbian, don't seem to happen. The books the school's Diversity Committee and PTA bought, which were about all kinds of families and differences within families -disabilities, single-parent households, adoptive families, and yes, families with a gay or lesbian parent - have not been put into regular use in the library or in the classrooms or for home use in diversity book bags, but rather have gone un-circulated and sit in a box in the corner of one classroom.
And over the years, rumors and gossip about Tommy spread. Children whispered. Parents sometimes complained that his father was a volunteer in the school. Tommy was too frequently ostracized, too frequently not chosen for the team or asked to birthday parties or to someone's house to play - because the children feared that someone might make fun of them for playing with him. And this year, the children were heard whispering that Tommy had AIDS, and other children started to tell their friends that Tommy was gay. The rumors were just that, but the damage had been done. Tommy was miserable - he didn't want to go to school, he was angry and withdrawn.
Finally last month, Tommy's dad made a difficult decision that came after months of agony on Tommy's part, and requested a transfer to a different school. He hoped that Tommy would have a better experience in a school where the school community has made clear their commitment to welcoming and validating all kinds of families and children. Tommy's teacher at the old school cried when she announced to the children that Tommy had gone? because she knew that the school had failed the child. Not for her lack of trying to include Tommy and stop the bullying of some of his classmates, nor in fact, that of some of the teachers and administrators in the school. And some of the children in Tommy's Boy Scout troop and his class were confused and sad. But it was too late for Tommy.
What kind of pain must this child have experienced to have begged his father to move him in the middle of the year? Why couldn't the school provide a safe environment for this child? Why - despite some attention to teasing and bullying in schools - was Tommy subjected to the message that he was in some way defective because of his family structure? Perhaps because although Band-Aids were applied, the positive messages that affirm and honor all families weren't there to be heard. Addressing negative behavior just isn't the same as regularly using language that focuses on self-respect and honoring all kinds of families.
What is in the best interest of the child? What are our responsibilities, as citizens of this town, as parents, as moral beings who would not ever wish ourselves or our children to be treated as Tommy was? And as people who are part of one community, don't we all bear responsibility for making sure that this sorry scenario never ever occurs again, and that every child, no matter what his family structure, be guaranteed support and affirmation? We could wish for no less for any member of our human family, for it also serves the best interest of each of us.
And one final question: When the next Tommy comes along, as he most surely will, is there a chance that perhaps we might learn from what has happened, and so vow never to repeat this tale? That, in the end, is my fondest hope. For the Tommy's of the world, and of Lexington, surely deserve better treatment than this child and his father received at our hands.
Details of this child's life have been altered to protect the child's identity but the story related, and its details, are true. Deborah Weiner Soule has been a Lexington resident since 1991. She and her husband Benjamin are parents of two children who have attended the Lexington Schools.